Sunday, December 26, 2010
Well Christmas time has passed. Although not fully. It was weird and indescribable (like most of everything) not having him here. It would have been his first Christmas. Still very so-real. We carried around his blankie all day. Everything does happen for a reason though. I know there are reasons behind this horrible tragedy. The kids were able to have a real Christmas this year. They had a great time and fully enjoyed it all. Got pretty much everything they wanted. Although that list isnt too big or realistic since they are still only 3 and 2(even though it seems they are so much older). Thank you to everyone who sent them a gift. here is a picture of them Christmas morning, after sadie woke up. I cant even imagine what kind of celebration is going on in Heaven for Jesus' birthday. Sweet Enzo is a part of that which is awesome. As much as I try, I hate to admit it that it still doesnt help me emotionally. Knowing how happy he is right now, especially since he can watch over us, is so comforting to me. Yet it does not heal the pain of missing him. I do have my good days and my bad days. Keep praying for us please. Thanks
Monday, December 20, 2010
So last night I had the most so-real dream ever. I have never had a dream feel so real until I woke up before. Although I cannot remember all of it. :( It took place in the hospital with Zo. In the same position we were with him, the only difference was he did not have all the tubes and things everywhere. As I sat next to him, all of a sudden he opened his eyes and looked at me. Then he started breathing on his own. At that moment I picked him up and just squeezed him crying. I couldnt believe that he was going to be ok. I felt so much happiness in my dream. Todd was not in the hospital room at the time so I called him yelling with excitement!! "Zo woke up!!!!!!" I wish I could remember more of my dream. But that part is so clear as glass in my head. I will never forget it. To wake up and realize wow that was a dream, was not even describable. It feels like the situation i am in now, should be the dream; bad dream. Wish I could wake up. But I know this pain will never go away. I do mean never. I know one day it will at least be manageable.
Friday, December 10, 2010
Wednesday, November 17, 2010
I dont have anything great to say today, because times are getting harder. All I want to do is just cuddle with him. Little Zo held a huge part of my heart. Even with people around me all the time, I cant help but feel incredibly lonely. Dont feel bad for me as I say that or whatever you feel. I am just saying whats on my mind, how I feel. Im really not looking for sympathy. All I need you to do is continue prayer. I have to continue to lean on the Lord for support. No human can ever give me the company I need to replace that emptiness. I know i will always have a part of me missing. I know this post sounds really depressing but things are getting harder. And that is to be expected! It may get much harder. We will see! I can say I am definitely not ready to go back to work or school. :/ Thank you all for your prayers. I have been wanting to post more but I just dont know what to say! Thank you for caring and supporting us!
Tuesday, November 9, 2010
The title is exactly how my family and I have to live. We just take every day at they come. Good days and well not sooo good days, infact there can be pretty horrible days. Todd and I went to the gravesite today. We said hello to our sweet baby. Something inside feels so special about going there. Duh obvious reasons, he was buried there, but it was something different. Although this was just his mortal body we buried, I know he was watching us coming to say hello to him.
I know throughout this blog i will be just rambling on and on. I am not a great writer like some people, but if I feel the need to get my words out then I will do it.
Today (technically because of the time it was yesterday) being the one month anniversary of his passing, it was expected to be filled with mourning and sadness. We chose to keep friends and family around us. It was an unexpectedly good day. Up in spirits and hope for the future. todd and i attented the Seattle Harvest last night. It was to put simply great. Great words and music. Gave us encouraging words for the present and hope for the future. God has a plan for all of us. I know my wonderful sons life was present here on earth so he could help people find their way simply. As i thought about it, the way Todd and I have felt has to be similar when God knew and the day came when he had to put his own son, Jesus Christ, on that cross. The pain that he must have felt knowing that his son had to die like that, just so we COULD be saved from our sins and go to Heaven. But I know He also had hope. maybe faith is the right word. He knew how many lives he was saving by doing that.
I think about Enzo every second, minute, hour, and day of my life. I can tell he is with me everyday. In little ways usually. Like someone wrote (sorry I cant remember who said this), a rainbow in the sky is just Zozo playing with the crayons. Maybe hes trying to eat them so hes slobbering over them and making blue, purple, green, orange and yellow drool!! :) It just brings a smile to my face. Words honestly cannot describe how I feel about my baby. I want soo badly to have him in this car seat or crib and wake up with a HUGE grin on his face. I feel like i could talk on and on and on about him. I want so badly to just hug him, and let him fall asleep in my arms... for everyone out there that think, no dont hold your baby all the time or dont hold him while he falls asleep, thats spoiling him. Or whatever your deal is, I just have to say shut up and enjoy the time that you have!!! Dont ever take for granted the sweet precious time you have with your baby or even kids.
I am sooooo thankful that he was not in any pain at all. He was dreaming when it all happened and went straight to Heaven, he got into God's arms and asked if he could come back for just a short while so mommy and daddy could say goodbye. I am also soooo thankful that God protected my other two wonderful crazy kids. They might be a handful but I will never take them for granted.
I wish I could hold him right now. I wish I could just play with him. He really was my "cuddle muffin". His favorite spot with me was in my arms. I whole heartedly look forward to the day that I get to see him again and play with him and hold him. That will be an indescribable day in soo many ways. Right now until that day I have to be here and be strong for my other two babies.
Friday, November 5, 2010
So I have decided to start writing in my blog again. Everyday I just have this feeling of needing to talk about Zo. He was such a huge part of my life and now that part is gone. So if you care to care to hear what I have to say, then come stop by to see whats going on in my head. I cant guarantee that I will write a lot! But I just feel the urge to talk about him all the time. Thanks for all the love and support from everyone!!
Wednesday, February 10, 2010
Monday, February 8, 2010
Hello everybody! I decided to start one of these to post recent pictures and videos. I will also write once and awhile if we have any new news along the road! I am going to try to keep it updated with recent pictures often. The kids sure are growing fast! We love you all.