Wednesday, November 17, 2010
I dont have anything great to say today, because times are getting harder. All I want to do is just cuddle with him. Little Zo held a huge part of my heart. Even with people around me all the time, I cant help but feel incredibly lonely. Dont feel bad for me as I say that or whatever you feel. I am just saying whats on my mind, how I feel. Im really not looking for sympathy. All I need you to do is continue prayer. I have to continue to lean on the Lord for support. No human can ever give me the company I need to replace that emptiness. I know i will always have a part of me missing. I know this post sounds really depressing but things are getting harder. And that is to be expected! It may get much harder. We will see! I can say I am definitely not ready to go back to work or school. :/ Thank you all for your prayers. I have been wanting to post more but I just dont know what to say! Thank you for caring and supporting us!
Tuesday, November 9, 2010
The title is exactly how my family and I have to live. We just take every day at they come. Good days and well not sooo good days, infact there can be pretty horrible days. Todd and I went to the gravesite today. We said hello to our sweet baby. Something inside feels so special about going there. Duh obvious reasons, he was buried there, but it was something different. Although this was just his mortal body we buried, I know he was watching us coming to say hello to him.
I know throughout this blog i will be just rambling on and on. I am not a great writer like some people, but if I feel the need to get my words out then I will do it.
Today (technically because of the time it was yesterday) being the one month anniversary of his passing, it was expected to be filled with mourning and sadness. We chose to keep friends and family around us. It was an unexpectedly good day. Up in spirits and hope for the future. todd and i attented the Seattle Harvest last night. It was to put simply great. Great words and music. Gave us encouraging words for the present and hope for the future. God has a plan for all of us. I know my wonderful sons life was present here on earth so he could help people find their way simply. As i thought about it, the way Todd and I have felt has to be similar when God knew and the day came when he had to put his own son, Jesus Christ, on that cross. The pain that he must have felt knowing that his son had to die like that, just so we COULD be saved from our sins and go to Heaven. But I know He also had hope. maybe faith is the right word. He knew how many lives he was saving by doing that.
I think about Enzo every second, minute, hour, and day of my life. I can tell he is with me everyday. In little ways usually. Like someone wrote (sorry I cant remember who said this), a rainbow in the sky is just Zozo playing with the crayons. Maybe hes trying to eat them so hes slobbering over them and making blue, purple, green, orange and yellow drool!! :) It just brings a smile to my face. Words honestly cannot describe how I feel about my baby. I want soo badly to have him in this car seat or crib and wake up with a HUGE grin on his face. I feel like i could talk on and on and on about him. I want so badly to just hug him, and let him fall asleep in my arms... for everyone out there that think, no dont hold your baby all the time or dont hold him while he falls asleep, thats spoiling him. Or whatever your deal is, I just have to say shut up and enjoy the time that you have!!! Dont ever take for granted the sweet precious time you have with your baby or even kids.
I am sooooo thankful that he was not in any pain at all. He was dreaming when it all happened and went straight to Heaven, he got into God's arms and asked if he could come back for just a short while so mommy and daddy could say goodbye. I am also soooo thankful that God protected my other two wonderful crazy kids. They might be a handful but I will never take them for granted.
I wish I could hold him right now. I wish I could just play with him. He really was my "cuddle muffin". His favorite spot with me was in my arms. I whole heartedly look forward to the day that I get to see him again and play with him and hold him. That will be an indescribable day in soo many ways. Right now until that day I have to be here and be strong for my other two babies.
Friday, November 5, 2010
So I have decided to start writing in my blog again. Everyday I just have this feeling of needing to talk about Zo. He was such a huge part of my life and now that part is gone. So if you care to care to hear what I have to say, then come stop by to see whats going on in my head. I cant guarantee that I will write a lot! But I just feel the urge to talk about him all the time. Thanks for all the love and support from everyone!!