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Tuesday, November 9, 2010

One Day At A Time

The title is exactly how my family and I have to live. We just take every day at they come. Good days and well not sooo good days, infact there can be pretty horrible days. Todd and I went to the gravesite today. We said hello to our sweet baby. Something inside feels so special about going there. Duh obvious reasons, he was buried there, but it was something different. Although this was just his mortal body we buried, I know he was watching us coming to say hello to him.

I know throughout this blog i will be just rambling on and on. I am not a great writer like some people, but if I feel the need to get my words out then I will do it.

Today (technically because of the time it was yesterday) being the one month anniversary of his passing, it was expected to be filled with mourning and sadness. We chose to keep friends and family around us. It was an unexpectedly good day. Up in spirits and hope for the future. todd and i attented the Seattle Harvest last night. It was to put simply great. Great words and music. Gave us encouraging words for the present and hope for the future. God has a plan for all of us. I know my wonderful sons life was present here on earth so he could help people find their way simply. As i thought about it, the way Todd and I have felt has to be similar when God knew and the day came when he had to put his own son, Jesus Christ, on that cross. The pain that he must have felt knowing that his son had to die like that, just so we COULD be saved from our sins and go to Heaven. But I know He also had hope. maybe faith is the right word. He knew how many lives he was saving by doing that.

I think about Enzo every second, minute, hour, and day of my life. I can tell he is with me everyday. In little ways usually. Like someone wrote (sorry I cant remember who said this), a rainbow in the sky is just Zozo playing with the crayons. Maybe hes trying to eat them so hes slobbering over them and making blue, purple, green, orange and yellow drool!! :) It just brings a smile to my face. Words honestly cannot describe how I feel about my baby. I want soo badly to have him in this car seat or crib and wake up with a HUGE grin on his face. I feel like i could talk on and on and on about him. I want so badly to just hug him, and let him fall asleep in my arms... for everyone out there that think, no dont hold your baby all the time or dont hold him while he falls asleep, thats spoiling him. Or whatever your deal is, I just have to say shut up and enjoy the time that you have!!! Dont ever take for granted the sweet precious time you have with your baby or even kids.

I am sooooo thankful that he was not in any pain at all. He was dreaming when it all happened and went straight to Heaven, he got into God's arms and asked if he could come back for just a short while so mommy and daddy could say goodbye. I am also soooo thankful that God protected my other two wonderful crazy kids. They might be a handful but I will never take them for granted.

I wish I could hold him right now. I wish I could just play with him. He really was my "cuddle muffin". His favorite spot with me was in my arms. I whole heartedly look forward to the day that I get to see him again and play with him and hold him. That will be an indescribable day in soo many ways. Right now until that day I have to be here and be strong for my other two babies.


  1. Beautiful. Simply put, beautiful. Don't ever say you can't write. Those words came from your heart. I feel the same way, my Nana arms still ache and make me cry, like right now. I don't know that it will ever be different, but it is one day at a time, like you said. But hey, you know what? He's with his great great Nanny. Nanny's arms aren't aching any more!

    I love the rainbow analogy.

  2. Kate, I love reading your stuff. I pray for you all the time, that God would give you strength - and he is. I love to see how strong your faith is. Keep writing in this please!!! Love you.

  3. Are you TRYING to make me cry? Geesh! Please continue to write what's on your heart, I love reading it. Being so far away from you is very hard but being able to read this makes me feel close to you. I pray everyday that God will continue to give you strength and comfort, and I know that He is listening (I mean come on, the kind of strength you have IS NOT human). Remember to keep your heart and eyes on Jesus- he longs for you to long for him. Love you sister!

  4. I started crying at the part where you said people say holding your baby while they sleep spoils them. I held my girls every night while they fell asleep because I knew those moments would'nt last forever and I did'nt want to miss out. I still hold my 2yr old sometimes, just today I was laying on my bed watching a movie and she crawled onto my lap and fell asleep. I did'nt notice for awhile because it was so natural, I sat there and soaked up the moment before I moved. I'm glad you got the time you had with Enzo and you did'nt take anything for granted, like the saying goes "Spend every moment like it's your last" and I do because of baby Enzo, I think about him a lot. He's my reminder that our children are precious and if something were to happen tomorrow I would'nt want to regret today.