Letter to Zo

One year ago today I did not want to leave your bedside. I felt guilty when I was across the room. You felt like a mile away and you were lonely. I was going on over 48 hours without sleep not willing to give up on you. I knew my God, the God of miracles could heal you. If he could make the blind see and heal the sick, this was easy I thought. No matter what the doctors said, I held on to what I believed. I loved just holding your hold and rubbing on your chubby thighs and arms and talking in your ear. I knew you could hear me. Days mixed with sobbing into your Daddy's arms and hoping. As daddy and I came out from the doctors office with probably complete devastation written on our faces, we knew we were being told it was time to let you go. I didnt want you to think I gave up on you, I NEVER EVER did. I just knew that God was telling me it was time. He had bigger and better plans with bringing you home to him in Heaven. Although we didnt know what that better plan could ever be. As they took out the tubes and your Daddy held you, we sobbed into you. Remembering all the wonderful and happy times we had with you in your whole 6 months and 15 days of life. Knowing we wouldnt have anymore memories to cherish except to never let go of the ones we did have. You were such a lovable and sweet boy. Its hard for me to remember any bad times at all with you. Its amazing how many lives have been effected in some way since. We have inspired people with our strength which has completely come from Christ. I am lucky to at least have you for the time that I did. No words could express how much I miss you and love you. That love will never ever fade. I know you are constantly looking down on me and smiling. I love picturing that smile. I wish things didnt have to happen the way they did but I know I will be with you again someday in Heaven. Holding you just like I did when you passed away.

Finally

I know I have not written anything in a long time. My life has been so crazy lately. I will write more within the next couple days. I just wanted to update people around that things are finally started to start moving. The other man has court coming up here this month. What he has been charged with has been made public, and i am so relieved!! To have some progress started on this long process is wonderful. As I said I will write more in the next couple days, here is the newspaper article link. http://www.kitsapsun.com/news/2011/feb/08/kitsap-prosecutors-file-charge-in-crash-that/

Christmas

Well Christmas time has passed. Although not fully. It was weird and indescribable (like most of everything) not having him here. It would have been his first Christmas. Still very so-real. We carried around his blankie all day. Everything does happen for a reason though. I know there are reasons behind this horrible tragedy. The kids were able to have a real Christmas this year. They had a great time and fully enjoyed it all. Got pretty much everything they wanted. Although that list isnt too big or realistic since they are still only 3 and 2(even though it seems they are so much older). Thank you to everyone who sent them a gift. here is a picture of them Christmas morning, after sadie woke up. I cant even imagine what kind of celebration is going on in Heaven for Jesus' birthday. Sweet Enzo is a part of that which is awesome. As much as I try, I hate to admit it that it still doesnt help me emotionally. Knowing how happy he is right now, especially since he can watch over us, is so comforting to me. Yet it does not heal the pain of missing him. I do have my good days and my bad days. Keep praying for us please. Thanks

My dream

So last night I had the most so-real dream ever. I have never had a dream feel so real until I woke up before. Although I cannot remember all of it. :( It took place in the hospital with Zo. In the same position we were with him, the only difference was he did not have all the tubes and things everywhere. As I sat next to him, all of a sudden he opened his eyes and looked at me. Then he started breathing on his own. At that moment I picked him up and just squeezed him crying. I couldnt believe that he was going to be ok. I felt so much happiness in my dream. Todd was not in the hospital room at the time so I called him yelling with excitement!! "Zo woke up!!!!!!" I wish I could remember more of my dream. But that part is so clear as glass in my head. I will never forget it. To wake up and realize wow that was a dream, was not even describable. It feels like the situation i am in now, should be the dream; bad dream. Wish I could wake up. But I know this pain will never go away. I do mean never. I know one day it will at least be manageable.

My story

I just wanted to let everyone know that I am about to start writing my story in detail, starting from the night of the accident. I will post them on here as I go along!

I dont have anything great to say today, because times are getting harder. All I want to do is just cuddle with him. Little Zo held a huge part of my heart. Even with people around me all the time, I cant help but feel incredibly lonely. Dont feel bad for me as I say that or whatever you feel. I am just saying whats on my mind, how I feel. Im really not looking for sympathy. All I need you to do is continue prayer. I have to continue to lean on the Lord for support. No human can ever give me the company I need to replace that emptiness. I know i will always have a part of me missing. I know this post sounds really depressing but things are getting harder. And that is to be expected! It may get much harder. We will see! I can say I am definitely not ready to go back to work or school. :/ Thank you all for your prayers. I have been wanting to post more but I just dont know what to say! Thank you for caring and supporting us!

The rainbows

I forgot I was going to post pics of the rainbows we saw yesterday on the way to seattle. Thats why I had the analogy about rainbows.